Sunday Blues

I've got the "Sunday Blues". My fragile little mind and body are definitely not friends today. I keep wondering to myself when I first experienced this feeling. Did I ever feel like this as a child when my Sundays were spent with my sister creating fictitious worlds where bedroom carpets became seas and cupboards under the stairs became entire worlds? Or as a teenager when my Sundays were spent lying in, doing homework and staying up to watch the late night Channel 4 film? In all honesty, I know when I'm going to experience "Sunday Blues" and I know why because I've experienced it more in the past two years than ever before.

Alcohol and singledom are a lethal combination. Everyone feels rubbish when they are hungover but when there is no one to wrap their arm around you feelings of patheticness and self-loathing ensue. I am pretty disappointed in myself for allowing my thoughts to wallow in such murky puddles of self-pity. However, beyond being disappointed, I am angry that the lack of a cuddle can darken my evening. I am usually the optimistic member of my gang. Proffering words of wisdom and a kick up the bum to melancholy friends far and wide but it's hard to be happy all of the time.

I have a feeling that this current case of "Sunday Blues" may be augmented by the fact that everyone around me is moving on or changing. Marriage, babies, future plans and fears. None of which I grudge but all of which seem very far away from me; glinting in the distance, something I am inexplicably drawn to but can't reach for now. At one point in my life I was certain that all of this would be in the bag by the time I turned thirty and now I'm not sure if it will or whether I want it to...

A man once said:

Sometimes life’s so much cooler when you just don’t know any better and all the painful lessons have not hammered your head open yet.

I think everybody reaches a point in their life where this is true. I think it's called adulthood. Damn you "Sunday Blues".

Happy Birthday To Me?

My 27th Birthday

I've not written in a diary since I was about 17 or 18 and yet here I find myself ten years later keeping a public diary for the entire world to see... But grown-ups don't keep diaries though do they? Passed adolescence we've got our heads all figured out right; we shouldn't need to write down our feelings to understand them? I suppose I held that viewpoint. Once I left home I was an adult and sitting in my bedroom scribbling down my world views on boys and music seemed trivial. However, If I'm honest, the real reason I stopped writing in my diary is because I was afraid of what I might learn about myself and that I wasn't always happy. We spend a lot of our time trying to show the world that we are happy. On the online diary that is Facebook I don't post pictures of myself crying (heaven forbid) and I try to avoid too many "Woe is me!" statuses because being happy's important.

So this week when my relationship ended I said nothing. I posted lots of pictures of myself smiling. I made plans for my birthday and got on with trying to be happy (okay, there were maybe a few whiney Twitter statuses but nobody pays attention to them *she says convincingly*). And so I'm sitting in my parents spare room so that when I wake up tomorrow I can be surrounded by people who love me with presents, writing in my online diary... 17 year old Clare masquerading in a 27 year old body.

It'd be easy to say not much has changed but it has. I'm definitely a wiser and richer person for all of the experiences life has allowed me to have in the last ten years, the people that have been a part of my life and the love that I've been shown and continue to be shown. And maybe I'm not completely happy as the clock ticks twelve and sends me into my 27th year on this planet but I'm grateful for so many things. Including this little space, my online diary of sorts, because sometimes it just helps to write it down. I hope I never forget that again.

Lover You Should Come Over

Scarf - Charity // Skirt - Topshop / Socks - Primark // Converse - Spartoo

It's officially half term - hurrah! Although for me that only means a long weekend off. However, it has been spent wonderfully so far. A trip to Ikea with the mother followed by lunch and then a very romantic evening with the boyfriend. He truly excelled himself by turning up at the door with flowers, steak and a bag full of surprises... including Valentines coupons, a stunning thrifted photo album (he's learning), a handmade bracelet and a mix-tape of significant songs. Never has anyone put so much thought or effort into presents for me. (My good karma last Valentines paid off obviously!)

The above outfit is a mish-mash of very old and very new. I bought the jacket aged fifteen with my first wage from the chippy. It's from Bay Trading! The t-shirt is topshop circa 2008 and I still love it. The socks and the shoes are new. I managed to get Converse in a size 5.5 and they are the perfect fit! Even better, they only cost £33 from spartoo.co.uk, however, that deal seems to have vamoosed! On another note I'm really enjoying seeing the southern bloggers coverage of London Fashion Week on Instagram and am hoping the rest of my long weekend is as lovely as it has been and affords me a little more blogging time.

It's Not You... It's Me.

I'm sure the majority of you that have ever ended a relationship have used the phrase "It's not you... It's me." But how many of you actually meant it? I find myself in a new relationship, my first fresh relationship in six years, which is causing me to re-evaluate my opinion of myself and whether the view I have of my last relationship is extremely rose-tinted in my favour.

We are great at admitting our superficial-flaws: I need to eat more healthily; I've not been to the gym this week; I need to try harder at work etc... but to hear your real-flaws said out loud can often feel like a knife to the ego. Nobody likes to be criticised however, I find myself turning my thoughts painfully inward in an attempt to see what others see and recognise my negative traits. My reason for doing so is that I find myself behaving in a way that's not reared it's head since my last relationship...

I am bossy. I am childish. I am critical. I have a temper. 
I never think I'm wrong. 

Phew. I almost feel like I should have a name badge and be receiving a round of applause. I suppose the above are issues I have to address. However, It's not that easy changing your spots, as I am currently finding. My new relationship has made me reflect on my last relationship a lot, which I suppose is natural given the length of time we were together and operating on the Sex and the City theory that it takes half the time you dated someone to get over them (Christ, that means three years then!). Yes, I ended the relationship and yes, I probably threw around the "It's not you... It's me." phrase without actually meaning it. However, when you end a relationship which is essentially floating along nicely because you're in the midst of a quarter life crisis* you've got to focus on the negatives to convince yourself you've done the right thing... which I did. Consequently, it's got to the point where I can't quite recall how I felt in the beginning; where I'm struggling to remember the good stuff which far outweighed the bad but maybe that's what's required to move on.

It has been strange moving into my new home; unpacking items that have been in boxes since the end of my last relationship and recognising the resurfacing of characteristics I don't necessarily want to possess. I think I'll always be bossy but hopefully I'll learn how to deal with the rest (or find a man that will!).

*or mid-twenties menopause as I've recently heard it being labelled!

Don't think. Just do.

I am chronically indecisive. I like to weigh up the pros and cons before committing myself to something. I spend hours reading reviews. (I suppose that's why I like beauty and fashion blogging so much!) I wouldn't say I was a worrier per se but I definitely like to be positive about the decisions I make in my life. Whether that's choosing the right facial cleanser or skinny jeans, or buying a house or starting a new relationship. I suppose I have high expectations or set ideals of how I think my life should be, which is strange considering that a year ago this month I shattered those very ideals by giving up my carefully considered life and moving back in with my parents.

I've learned a lot of things this year. For one thing, life doesn't necessarily work out the way you thought it would... I was doing an exercise with my students today. They had to write a wish list of things they wanted to achieve by the time the were 30. I thought about what my list would have looked like at 13. I think, looking back, my 13 year old self was more ambitious than my twenties self but I can safely say that I got a little bit of that 13 year old back this year. On reflection, that was part of the reason I changed things so drastically a year ago. I was busy over-thinking when the right time in my life to become pregnant was and whether I'd be able to get married and buy a bigger house and produce said child before I was 30 and then, from somewhere deep within, that little 13 year old voice inside me said "Who cares... I want to go to Thailand... I want to fly a plane... I want to move to London" (or whatever your little voice says inside you).

So don't think. Just do. A motto I've been trying to apply to life which, as I said, is difficult for an indecisive person who loves nothing more than a deep and meaningful discussion. I suppose one area I've maybe failed to apply this motto to is my love life. This is an area I definitely tend to over think... However, it has been a challenging year romance wise with many a lesson learnt. I am definitely much wiser and loathe to say older!

I think when I sacrificed what I had, which was quite a beautiful and precious thing, I had to be certain of what I wanted in the future and this has perhaps meant I've treated future relationships like I treat buying a new object; reading the reviews, weighing up the pros and cons and analysing the results. In doing so am I taking the enjoyment out of things? Am I thinking instead of doing; instead of living? I'm currently "mid-experience" which is challenging me not to think so much. To do and in doing enjoy. Next week I'll have quite possibly cracked my pros and cons list out although I'm trying desperately to limit that to house purchasing and beauty buying.

Damn Disney

I love Disney films. Some of my earliest memories are of watching Disney films or pretending to be a Disney princess. I am unbeaten at Disney trivial pursuit and don't ever ask me to to sing Disney songs when I have had a drink. There have been renditions of "Part of Your World" in front of Cafe Mambo in Ibiza and "We'll Have a Dalmation Plantation" to a rather shocked crowd in Zante. (I clearly have no shame.) In Disney films the rules are simple; there are heroes and villains but good always triumphs over evil and a moral lesson is always learned. More importantly the guy always gets the girl and they live happily ever after... And then there is reality.

As a child we expect our own lives to one day mirror the fairy tale ending Disney promised us. To be swept off our feet by a knight in shining armour. To be enveloped in a cloud of romance and have sweet nothings whispered in our ear. The reality is somewhat different but then again I'd be stupid to expect anything different - right? Should I be content with my "partner" washing the dishes without being asked as the high point of my romantic-life?

I've been thinking a lot recently about romance and men and womens' roles in the old relationship game. It seems that the most romantic thing a person can do nowadays is declare their love via a Facebook status. To expect anything more, as a woman, is to be called needy or hard-work. To dream of romance is to quite literally to live in a fantasy world. But if there's no butterflies then what's the point? I know butterflies don't last forever. And I know that eventually it's the simple, caring gestures that become the most appreciated; like running someone a bath or yes... washing the dishes but surely there's always room for romance? So yes Disney, sometimes I damn you for giving me such high expectations but I also thank you because I'd rather be a dreamer, rather live in my fantasy world, than give up on romance.

"So this is love. So this is what makes life Devine. " Cinderella.

The Human Condition

There are some things we never say out loud because we don't like the way it sounds. Things like "This isn't working." "I live with my parents." or the biggie... "I'm lonely." But are these the very things we need to start saying aloud? Do we need to acknowledge the negatives in our life in order to turn them into positives? Are we simply being protected by pride or held back by vanity?

This onslaught of heavy-thinking was brought about after a weekend in bed with the flu and a session with my Sex and the City boxset. In the episode All or Nothing, Samantha; the strong, independent, man-eater of the group, also catches the flu. She says "There are two types of guys out there - the ones that hold your hand and the ones who fuck you. And the ones that fuck you aren't worth a damn. We're alone."  This struck a particular chord with me dear readers (and not only because I had neither a man to hold my hand or... well... you catch my drift!). Looking in the mirror, in the midst of all the sweat and snot, I finally understood the phrase, "She has a face only a mother could love." and gazing at my ghastly reflection I doomed myself to an eternity of life in the boxroom, alone and lonely. Because, despite being dutifully nursed by my mother, that is exactly how I felt - lonely. I am definitely at my most maudlin when I am ill. I played Jeff Buckley on repeat and stared into space until my eyes hurt. 


Now that I am back to full health I can attribute my feelings of loneliness to "just feeling sorry for myself." But should I? I hark back to my original quandary: Are we protected by pride or held back by vanity? Pride will mean I'll brush off my feelings from last weekend, smile and soldier on and in doing so I'll save myself a lot of difficult conversations. Cue reactions from friends, "Oh you're lonely... Emmm, I'm not really the hugging type of friend." or even worse "Your loneliness is pathetic." 

However, determined not to be held back by vanity I voiced my loneliness and I was not greeted with awkward responses but genuine concern and some cheer me up flowers and a card. Once I'd said it, I felt better. My cold subsided, the weather changed and I felt positive again. March has been an interesting month. Unfortunately I am another year older and the older I get, the more contemplative I become.  It has been one roller-coaster of a year and I cannot begin to express how much has changed. I suppose part of that change has been recognising myself as an individual again; spending a lot of time alone with my thoughts and asking myself what I want from life. Nearly a year on from the break up and the birth of my quarterlife crisis I am still asking myself those questions and learning to accept that I may be asking those questions for some time... And p.s. yes, sometimes I get lonely. 

Why is admitting you are lonely so taboo; the fear of failure? I know so many people who are unhappy or unsatisfied yet they soldier on, keep up appearances because they'd rather be unhappy than be lonely. A lot of people this year have said I'm brave - I wonder if it's because I have faced their biggest fear? This has been the most difficult post I have written. Partly because of vanity and partly because I wasn't exactly sure what the point of this post was but I think I see it now... while pride has its place, it is definitely okay to feel lonely, or sad or lost. Nobody is strong all of the time; we're only human after all.

Plenty Of Fish In The Sea

You might have heard of the phrase POF doing the rounds recently. It stands for "Plenty of Fish" and it's a free online dating and matchmaking service for singles. My friends and I set up a fake profile for a look as we had heard it was the new Facebook for singles. However, what we ended up discovering was that it was a hub for cheating boyfriends and bootycalls. Internet dating is big business. Who hasn't sung along to their catchy TV jingles? "I like old movies." or "Girl on the platforms smile." The people in these adverts are attractive and sensible looking individuals who, according to the adverts, have a greater chance of finding their perfect match online. True or False?

Okay, so curiosity killed the cat. I edited my profile and downloaded the iPhone app and had a proper browse minus any photos. Could I find MY perfect match online? The site is interesting. A mixture of people genuinely looking for a relationship, people looking to date and people simply looking for sex. Cue 1000s of pictures of naked torsos and tight underwear with not always positive results.

I set my status to "Looking to date" and struck up a few conversations. "How's POF been for you?" "Caught any fish?" etc. I wanted to find out if people actually met up or if POF was just a grown up version of MSN. I did, rather impulsively, meet up with one guy for fish and chips (an attempt at an original mini date if you will). We had completed similar degrees and happened to have a few mutual friends. The date went well but as a girl with relatively little dating experience, it's safe to say first dates are a bit of a nervous affair. I also question whether these essentially blind dates are ever wholly successful. It's easy to have chemistry with someone via instant messaging, however, I wonder whether having a spark online always results in having a spark in the flesh.

I decided if I was going to have a profile I might as well go the whole hog and put up some pictures. Even if only to compare results pre and post pictures. As a result, after a week and an abundance of emails, I deleted my profile. Messages asking for sex from men with inappropriate pictures. Messages from men nearing my dads age. Sometimes wonderfully witty messages from men who were, no doubt lovely chaps, but were certainly not my type of fish.

I think it's a bit shallow minded and probably a very Scottish attitude but there's a bit of a stigma of desperation attached to dating websites. I wonder, however, if that's just the opinion of a girl who was previously in a five year relationship and who's friends are all in coupled up? I was embarrassed to admit I was using POF. Even more embarrassed to admit I'd went on a date through it and I am fearful of anyone I know actually having viewed my profile. Nevertheless, it seems that anyone who is single (and sometimes those who aren't) is on POF. Do I need to grow up? Do I need to accept that internet dating is where it's at circa 2012?

One guy, very honestly, wrote in his "About Me" section: It's difficult to meet someone who shares the same interests as you on a night out in a club. After university, you rarely get the chance to meet new people and socialise within such a big and diverse circle. And anyway, when you hit a certain age, everyone in that circle begins to or has already paired off. So, true or false... Internet dating provides you with a greater chance of finding your perfect match? Or should we leave it all to destiny and circumstance?

Text and the Single Girl

My impression of being single was always very much based on Sex and the City. Single girls were approached in clubs, bars, coffee shops and the like by eligible bachelors. They went on dates to the cinema, for meals, to bars, for walks in the park, to arcades. And most tantalizing of all, they had fabulous short lived love affairs and frequently met up with their girlfriends and conversed over cosmopolitans. Let’s just say my experience of being single could not be further from this glossy American dream.

Okay, so realistically I know life doesn't work like it does on TV, especially in a wee Scottish village. Secondly, living at home, saving for a deposit, a trip to Thailand and working a nine to five job does not allow me mid-week jaunts to the “city”. And lastly, most relationships develop out of convenience; office romances, high school/ university relationships or getting it on with Harry from your local. But what if your local is your ex's local... Harry plays football with your ex... Your best friends' boyfriends all belong to the same social circle and all drink in the local with your ex and his new girlfriend... It's time to move further afield and close the EX-files, which is exactly what I have been trying to do since I became a single girl.

After being in relationships since the tender age of seventeen I wanted to date. Plus I wanted the chance to just be single, to be completely selfish and *embarrassing cough* find myself. However, in the space of eight months I have went on the grand total of ONE date! This consisted of a few drinks in a pub followed by a Frankie and Bennie's. I refuse to include my brief encounter with a guy I met at a house party which consisted of ordering a Chinese in his mum's house. When I suggested going on a proper date his response was "Eating's gay"... Oh dear.

However, at least these encounters were proper face to face, physical encounters. I have recently started to believe that men are only interested in one thing nowadays... TEXT. So you meet a guy on night out, exchange a cheeky little kiss or two, give him your number and the next day you receive a text. You try your best to be cute, funny, original. You discuss meeting up for a proper date. You start to develop an attachment to receiving his frequent flirty little messages... and by this stage they have become flirty. Then either it fizzles out because there is only so much that can be said before the texts become banal... beep,beep "Hey hows u?" beep,beep "Watching eastenders"... Zzzz. Or you muster up the courage to say "So when are we meeting up?" and the idea of an in the flesh rendezvous renders them finger-less and they never text again.

I for one refuse to have another text relationship. These potted relationships have all the drama of the real thing without the added bonus of face to face conversation, a few drinks and a snog. I fail to see where the payoff is and more importantly they are a complete waste of my time, effort and wit! The worrying thing is whether this is the future. I know fifteen year old girls who, despite sitting next to each other, text instead of talking. My iPhone is a constant extension of my arm and I struggle to function without it. My addiction to social networking is so much so that I check my Facebook and Twitter news-feeds in the morning as if they were my daily newspapers. While I appreciate the benefits of the virtual world we live in it saddens me to think that in the future all relationships will take place on a virtual plain where all "fluid transfers" have been outlawed, babies are made in a lab and sex is enjoyed via the use of sex-helmets. Slightly extreme you ask? A laughable concept? Well you ask your average Joe in 1995, when mobiles and social networking were a thing of the future, whether he would prefer spending all day writing to a girl or taking her out for a drink. I think you know the answer. Hint, hint gentlemen.

Sandra beautifully modelling her sex helmet.

My Funny Little Valentine

So my plan was to compose a post tonight exploring my current situation; single on Valentine's Day for the first time since 2005. Not an anti Valentines post by all means but a post that's a little bit more on the reflective side. However, my computer wouldn't play the game tonight so I am composing a relatively shorter post on my iPhone. (ah the wonders of social networking and the blessed iPhone!)

My last single Valentines was during my student days. I spent the evening with my friends prank calling exes and my poor friend from back home. My friend's boyfriend managed to successfully convince her that her boyfriend had entered her into a competition in Nuts to win a boob job and that the public had voted for her to win. I am lucky we share the same twisted sense of humour because after she'd wiped away her tears and fleetingly considered the offer she managed to see the funny side of it and we remain the best of friends.

7 years on and humour is probably my fail safe way of dealing with things. It's true sometimes when people say "If I didn't laugh then I'd cry"... Although a little cry now and again does help. But being the eternal optimist that I am I have gushed politely at the presents and displays of love thrust in my face today at work and online. I have texted, tweeted and posted jovial remarks on love, sex and relationships. Furthermore, I attempted to spread the lurrv by buying scrummy love hearts for my colleagues. (see pic... p.s. the doughnut was my gift to me!)

I am a firm believer in karma. I believe that my feelings of positivity will be rewarded with beautiful, heartfelt, personal gestures of love... Regardless of whether that love comes from man, woman or my cat, Miss Bonnie Blue! So let's just celebrate LOVE in general. There's no nicer feeling than being loved, regardless of where that love comes from.

This post is dedicated to my single friend Lauren. She thinks I'm a wee gem... And well I think she's one too. It is also dedicated to Claire who had and still has fabulous boobs ;-)

Happy Valentines Day! X

Just Play it Cool Boy... Real Cool

I've been out the dating game for a while... five years to be exact. And to be honest I never really dated when I was younger. I met my first boyfriend at T in the Park. We shared a mutual love for Oasis, he was six years older and I fell in love at first sight. Back then I didn't even have a mobile. I actually think I used to phone his house to arrange to meet up then sit and drink wine in his room (classy). Oh how times have changed and ten years on I find myself in a world where you can not only text, you can BBM, Whatsapp, Kik, Facebook chat, Facebook stalk and Tweet.

So how do you date in 2012? There's always lots of relationship advice in magazines; mainly for people already in relationships:

"How to tell what he's really thinking"
"50 ways to spice up your sex life"
"Is it too soon to say I love you?"
"Why won't he commit?" etc. etc.

There's rarely any advice on dating because the only decent advice, if you no longer want to be single, is to play it cool... something I have never been very good at. Over the past year a lot of my friends have became single and I have realised that sadly, we tend to define ourselves as either having or not having a boyfriend/ girlfriend. I don't think I want a boyfriend at the moment. There are obviously times when it would be beneficial... Sunday duvet days for certain or having someone to drag to Nando's... but for the first time in a long time I'm being selfish. Making decisions just for me and thinking about what I want from life. So instead of making this a post on dating rules as I had originally intended, I am going to look at two of my favourite icons who were strong, complicated, independent, interesting and inspirational women and undeniably cool.

Marilyn Monroe

First, I'm trying to prove to myself that I'm a person. Then maybe I'll convince myself that I'm an actress.


All we demanded was our right to twinkle.


I don't know who invented high heels, but all women owe him a lot.


I have feelings too. I am still human. All I want is to be loved, for myself and for my talent.


I restore myself when I'm alone.


It's better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone - so far.


Sex is a part of nature. I go along with nature.

Audrey Hepburn

For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.

I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it. 

I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.


The best thing to hold onto in life is each other.


The most important thing is to enjoy your life - to be happy - it's all that matters.

Do's and Don'ts

Here are my Do's and DOn'ts of surviving a break up. This list is by no means exhaustive. Looking back there are many more things I could include on my list of "Don'ts" and many more things I want to include in my list of "Do's". In a way it's quite a personal list. It echoes many of my mistakes and a lot of my hopes.

******

Do Nots...

Don't lie in your bed for a week. You are not helping the situation. Sleep will help you avoid it for a while but you'll probably end up being awake all night, alone with your thoughts and listening to melancholic music.

Don't get in touch with your previous ex. They are your ex for a reason.

Don't get in touch with your current ex. Time apart is necessary to move on.

Don't look at pictures of the happy times for a long time. You'll only doubt whether the decision to end it was the right one.

Don't look at their Facebook page.

Don't get involved in drunken conversations with your ex.

Don't ask them if they are seeing anyone else. Those are details you do not need to know.

Don't ever regret the time you spent together or the decision you made to part.

******

Do's...

Be impulsive.
Travel.
Remember who you were when you were an "I" and not a "We".
Kiss.
Call up old friends.
Dance.
Go on adventures.
Be selfish.
Make lists and enjoy ticking them off.
Work hard.
Play hard.
Challenge yourself.
Spend time with loved ones.
Explore music, film, art, books, cultures, food.
Be independent.
Hug.
Frighten yourself.
Be ambitious.
Cry.
Pamper yourself.
Appreciate the time you had together.
Think about the lessons you've learned.
Make memories.
Cherish memories.
Have an opinion.
Take lots of photos.
Laugh.
Smile.

One Step at a Time...

Okay, so my tag line states that I am "surviving the quarter life crisis one step at a time" but what is the quarter life crisis...?

The quarter life crisis is the twenties version of the midlife crisis. You reach your mid-twenties and that awkward age where you're no longer a teenager and you realise that a road of responsibilities lays before you. My "crisis" came out of the blue. I was living very comfortably... I was at the start of a career I'd worked very hard to secure, I was in a long term relationship, I didn't have any children but I had a cat, a mortgage and a car on finance. I was very grown up. My crisis manifested itself in the form of panic. I asked myself, at the age of twenty five, if I was 100% satisfied with where I was and the answer was no. So I moved out, booked several holidays and have been reflecting on what I really want ever since. (I've also lost the cat - not on purpose! He went missing after I moved home :( and I mourn his loss everyday)

Being in your twenties is difficult:
1) Can you afford to move out?
2) Is the job your in paying you enough, satisfying you, challenging you?
3) Is he/ she the one?
4) Have you traveled?
5) Tick, tick, tick your biological clock is ticking!
6) Your single and all your friends are browsing through copies of the next directory furnishing their first homes while your secretly looking on POF.
7) Facebook envy - everyone is so much hotter, cooler, and hipper than you are (yes I used the word hip!)
8) Can you afford to do anything!!!... pay rent, buy a new outfit from Topshop, drink cocktails, attend birthday meals, get your hair, nails and tan done and still pay for petrol?
9) Are you satisfying your responsibilities as a daughter, son, sister, brother, grandchild, aunt, uncle...?
10) One word... GRAVITY!!!

If you have read this list and not cried - WELL DONE! The thing is we try to do it all, be it all, have it all. We compare ourselves to Penny Perfect who works two jobs, volunteers for charity, makes her own jam, cushions and clothes while planning mini breaks with Peter Perfect and keeping successfully in touch with all her friends in a cloud of effortlessness!

Is the quarter life crisis a modern phenomena brought about by constantly judging and comparing ourselves to others through Facebook, Twitter, blogs, magazines and reality TV? To be fair people have always tried to keep up with the Jones' but it was a bit easier to do when you didn't have 900+ Jones' on Facebook to keep up with!

So yes, I am surviving my "crisis" one step at a time even if it means being back in the boxroom. And yes, the grass might not be greener on the other side. But...

“Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” -Marilyn Monroe

http://exploreforayear.com/clarity/45-inspiring-quotes-change

Surviving the Festive Period sans Man

I've been meaning to write that all important second post for a while.

My excuses are plentiful...
1) I am the queen of procrastination.
2) I've discovered the bloglovin' app for my iPhone and have developed an obsession with fashion, beauty and DIY blogs.
3) I have also discovered Twitter (as if Facebook wasn't keeping me "busy" enough) .
4) If I write this post then I have to sit down and really think about the past 6 months and how I feel about my current situation.

I am decidedly less festive this year but my reasoning is that I have reached that awkward age where Christmas has lost it's sparkle and won't be regained until I have children and, like my Mummy friends, am sprinkling a mixture of glitter and oats on my front path while dancing about with sleigh bells bellowing HO, HO, HO! However, I have spent the past five Christmases with man and now I am sans man - no boyfriend gifts, no trips to winter wonderland, no mistletoe kisses. Is that the reason I am looking on the holidays with such indifference? Is Christmas for couples? I got emotional when I was helping my mum put up the Christmas tree (was this because I was doing it with a rather large Baileys in hand?!). I hadn't thought about my ex for a while and yet there I was tearing up... and why? Any joint effort we put into something ended up in an arguement and putting up the tree was no different. We also disagreed on whether snowball fights were cool. I was in the yes camp and he was in the no :( 


We place huge expectations on Christmas... we talk about it non-stop in the two months or more leading up to the 25th of December, we watch Christmas films that spread messages of goodwill and joy and coupled or single we place huge expectations on ourselves to have the best time, the most perfect time. So how do I feel about my current situation...? I am not unhappy. I am home surrounded by family who love me. I have had a year full of amazing experiences and experiences which have helped me learn a lot of life lessons. I am looking forward to the new year, of wiping the slate, of starting afresh whatever that means. However, that doesn't mean I haven't had my moments. Winter is for snuggling and my poor teddy bear is thread bare. I've also had to endure Facebook posts from loved up couples gushing about how lucky they were and how fabulous their boyfriends/ girlfriends are and how happy they are etc. etc. I'm possibly suffering from SAD... get up the dark, come home in the dark, hide in room, sleep, repeat on a daily basis. I also bumped into my ex the other day while out being festively merry and the casual banter is still a bit forced because there are many mixed feelings still there. I'm also struggling with the rules of dating and invariably playing it cool when I am not! (Separate post to follow on this)

Surviving the festive period sans man? Well we're only half way through and I've survived so far without a major melt down I think I'm doing not to badly... Bring on Hogmany (New Years Eve)!!!

Surviving the Quarter Life Crisis

I got a hair on my chin two days before I turned 20... I remember thinking my life was over. I was no longer a teenager and was certain that before I knew it I would be drawing my pension with a full on beard.

I was mortally afraid of entering my twenties and spent my final days as a teenager believing that any kind of frivalous and immature behaviour would have to stop. I had my twenties all planned out; I would finish university and get a well paid job, buy a house, get engaged, get married and have children and be back on the career ladder before I was thirty. And I pretty much spent the majority of the past five years adhering to this plan...

I graduated and did my teaching PGDE. I bought a house with my long term boyfriend and the next logical step was marriage and children. However, as I approached 25, even though I was sticking to my plan, I began to panic. I kept counting the years I had left in my twenties. I became obsessed over how the next five years of my life were going to pan out. I started unnecessarily stressing about my biological clock and checking how old celebrities were when they had their first child. I fretted over how "we" were ever going to afford to get married, have children and buy a bigger houses. I compared myself to my parents, to people around me and ultimately at the end of it all I decided everything I thought I wanted, I didn't.

When you are younger 25 seems like a very old age. However, once I became a "quarter of a century" I started to re-evaluate my life. I felt bored and more importantly I felt trapped by the expectations I had placed upon myself. I also realised that while I loved my partner dearly I was beginning to resent him for the things that I had put aside in order to achieve what I thought was the norm.

And so I left my boyfriend and our home and moved back in with my parents. It has been an interesting, emotional and fun five months and this blog is going to chart the Dos & Don'ts of surviving a quarter life crisis as well as tit bits from my life here and there.