I am chronically indecisive. I like to weigh up the pros and cons before committing myself to something. I spend hours reading reviews. (I suppose that's why I like beauty and fashion blogging so much!) I wouldn't say I was a worrier per se but I definitely like to be positive about the decisions I make in my life. Whether that's choosing the right facial cleanser or skinny jeans, or buying a house or starting a new relationship. I suppose I have high expectations or set ideals of how I think my life should be, which is strange considering that a year ago this month I shattered those very ideals by giving up my carefully considered life and moving back in with my parents.
I've learned a lot of things this year. For one thing, life doesn't necessarily work out the way you thought it would... I was doing an exercise with my students today. They had to write a wish list of things they wanted to achieve by the time the were 30. I thought about what my list would have looked like at 13. I think, looking back, my 13 year old self was more ambitious than my twenties self but I can safely say that I got a little bit of that 13 year old back this year. On reflection, that was part of the reason I changed things so drastically a year ago. I was busy over-thinking when the right time in my life to become pregnant was and whether I'd be able to get married and buy a bigger house and produce said child before I was 30 and then, from somewhere deep within, that little 13 year old voice inside me said "Who cares... I want to go to Thailand... I want to fly a plane... I want to move to London" (or whatever your little voice says inside you).
So don't think. Just do. A motto I've been trying to apply to life which, as I said, is difficult for an indecisive person who loves nothing more than a deep and meaningful discussion. I suppose one area I've maybe failed to apply this motto to is my love life. This is an area I definitely tend to over think... However, it has been a challenging year romance wise with many a lesson learnt. I am definitely much wiser and loathe to say older!
I think when I sacrificed what I had, which was quite a beautiful and precious thing, I had to be certain of what I wanted in the future and this has perhaps meant I've treated future relationships like I treat buying a new object; reading the reviews, weighing up the pros and cons and analysing the results. In doing so am I taking the enjoyment out of things? Am I thinking instead of doing; instead of living? I'm currently "mid-experience" which is challenging me not to think so much. To do and in doing enjoy. Next week I'll have quite possibly cracked my pros and cons list out although I'm trying desperately to limit that to house purchasing and beauty buying.